My dog sleeps in a crate in “his room,” which he has generously allowed me to use part of for my home office. When I went to get him out of the room on Sunday morning, below was the sight that greeted me.

Also known as, I had a pillow. But I eated it.

I don’t know what the pillow did. Maybe he discovered it was one of the old MyPillows I bought off the teevee about 11 or 12 years back, before I knew who the hell Mike Lindell was.

But the entire contents of said pillow were shredded alllllll over the room. And yeah, that is not an altered pic at all. Those pillows are just full of shredded foam rubber.

Well, the rest of Sunday rolls along, I forget about it, until it’s time to put the dog in the crate that night, and…. Ahhhhhhhhh shit.

And then the dog is like oh well, guess I’m just gonna sleep on this—

No, you’re not going to sleep on a bed of shredded foam rubber. All I need is for you to inhale this shit, you vomit it all up later, I end up having to take you to the vet, and spend $300 for some condescending doctor to tell me, maybe try not to feed the dog shredded foam rubber. Gosh, thank you, doctor, that never would’ve occurred to me! So I pull out his extra bed — the dog has more beds than I do — and put that in the crate, leaving the other one in the corner.

Monday, too busy. Tuesday night is garbage night, so I have to finish cleaning this up.

On Sunday morning before giving up, I had tried to sweep it up with a broom, which of course works for the bigger chunks but not the expertly finely shredded pieces my dog has crafted. And it sticks to everything, so I’m pulling it off the broom as much as I’m sweeping. OK, broom is not going to work for all of this.

I go get the schmancy Miele vacuum. I would never have bought a $1200 vacuum on my own, but my ex-husband had a thing about Miele vacuums, but apparently not enough to take it with him when he moved out in 2013. I figure the Miele will make short work of it.

After a whole five minutes, the Miele is gagging Gott und Himmel! and spitting out chunks of foam rubber. This crap apparently expands after passing through the wand thing, and fills up one and a half of the equally schmancy specialized vacuum bags that I’m sure they probably stopped making sometime before the Biden administration.

The only other vacuum-like object I own is an ash vacuum, which I bought a while back after the pros who came to clean my chimney tsk-tsked me about keeping it cleaner. I unbox it, eventually, after much jiggling of the box and swearing. I put it together, after more swearing. There’s a huge warning label about running it without the filter, but I still have roughly a pillow’s worth of shredded foam rubber, and there’s no way it’s going to fit in there unless I use the filter.

It then occurs to me that there’s no way Mike Lindell put fire-retardant anything inside his pillows, but I’m committed at this point and I just want the crap gone, so here I go.

I finally get about 99% of the foam rubber vacuumed up. I then of course have to open the lid and dump the foam rubber into the waiting garbage can. Is all of it out? Nope. Will I have to clean it really well before I use it on fireplace ashes, so I don’t set fire to anything? Most certainly. Does the vacuum now smell funny because shredded foam rubber got up inside the motor? Naturally.

The only thing left is the bed, with the tiniest most minuscule particles of shredded foam rubber now woven into the material. Technically the bed is washable, but only in a big industrial washing machine. I can’t put it in the dryer, because the crap will probably catch fire or something. I decide to accept minimal casualties. The bed smells like Fritos anyway, so out it goes, along with the bag of foam rubber. Yes, he still has the big pillow to use as a bed.

I’m finally chilling on the couch post-gummy, writing this to you, and of course the dog is sleeping the sleep of those who didn’t have to spend half an hour vacuuming up Mike Lindell’s expensive crappy shredded foam rubber pillows.

Thus I exhort you, do not give a MyPillow to your dog. Not even if you think it’d be funny if they peed on it. It’s not worth it.